A Survival Guide to Emotional Affairs

By: Jeffry Golden

Many people view extramarital affairs as sexual flings. Some of these "hook-ups" can happen for simply one night, and some go on for years. What many people don't realize is that getting too close to anyone outside of your marriage, even when sex is not involved, it is called an emotional affair.

How emotional affairs commonly occurs when one spouse feels unappreciated, so they start pouring their troubles to someone else as a "friend". (That someone else can be a person from work, a neighbor or even a mutual acquaintance!). If they allow it to proceed for too long, they begin to look forward to spending any or all of their spare time with this person, and is certainly investing all of their emotional efforts into this "other" person rather than using it to strengthen their marriage.

Finding that your wayward wife is having an sharing emotional love with another man is devastating. I hear frequently, "that I can handle her making out with someone else. I think I can live with that". I remember what she was like when she really loved me, and I have real trouble dealing with that notion!.

The first married person to make the emotional disconnect is often the one to start an emotional affair outside of the home. Even the strongest people need love and reassurance, and if they aren't getting what is important to them at home, they make themselves open to finding it somewhere else. Although many emotional affairs start out as simply friendship, they can grow rapidly into something else. Even worse, many don't even know that it has until it blows up in their face.

No matter what is going on at home, emotional affairs are still wrong. They can be even more acute and painful as a sexual affair because the person they love and care about offers up their intimate feelings and affections to someone else. The sense of betrayal is at minimum the same, and for some people much worse!

The offending spouse may tell themselves they are not doing anything wrong because they are not having sex with this person. But if left going on long enough, most emotional affairs lead to sex anyway. How and when to move their affair to the next level becomes part of the ride so sex is just a matter of time.

So what can you particularly do to improve the odds of saving the marriage? Often the injured spouse responds with intense feelings and then pulls out all stops to win their other half back.

Become overbearing. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises to change. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. complains to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Incessant inquiries about what shes doing, sometimes even hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn't work.

Why? Well, for one reason she has discovered all the stimulation and excitement she feels to need in her new-found passion. At a greater level this is obscure enough for the cheating husband or wandering wife. Just about anything comments from you will simply be unwelcome and she is likely to closing the door on the marriage even more. Plus, you would be better served by providing some emotional stability, by being that solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama or that external excitement entices and blows her around.

If you bombard her with your neediness, then you are certainly NOT aiding your marriage in a key manner that's needed during this time. She is also liable to create a polarity by comparing between you and him. With your overwhelming neediness, you don't stand a chance of coming out on top. Sorry!

Here's a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage. It's called backing off! You need to learn how to disconnect. Stop agitating her. Slow down the pace. Be silent - most of the time. Stop making requests that could be viewed as breaching her personal space. Stop asking questions. Stop trying gain some assurance from her. Stop being a overall pain in the ass!

Remember, this romantic state will fade... You need to possess the confidence that it will. You will need a boatload of patience though. This outside affair can and with the right components, will, run its course.

She needs the space. She needs some quiet time to truly find herself and confront the emotional void within. There will be a voice within her that says, This will not last. Is this what she really wants? At some time I must return to reality. Where am I going with this? Is this the direction that I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I'm not with him? What does this say about me?

If she is mature enough, this is her opportunity to learn about what TRUE love is. Don't get in her way. I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path. It is at this point with the men I coach, where I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill. This will be tough. It most likely will demand that you learn more about yourself, that you gain more confidence in yourself apart from what you may imagine she does with him, and that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather this storm.

This is your chance to grow to another level. Oh, by the way. She will notice! And, she might like it. Your charging neutral does not mean that you don't have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain contact with her, but it will be only for QUALITY contact. Try to ensure that it will be the kind of communication that does reward to you, and that confronts her with the reality of her decision. It could quite possibly work toward resolution of your marriage.

Reprinted from: Communication Skills Articles.

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