Having a Marriage of Purpose

By: Cheryl Lacey Donovan

We seriously keep God at the center of our marriage.

This means more than just going to church together of saying grace before mealtime. Frequently when we're alone together, we talk about the Lord, reminding each other of how good He's been to us, discussing what He's doing in our lives. We have times when together we discuss passages we've read from the Bible. You will also see and hear us praying for our children, for wisdom for the day, and any petitions we are seeking the Lord for. This is what it means for Jesus to be Lord of our marriage.

I know this one will sound way out there for some but we love being together.

Nothing is more pleasing to us than when we can spend quality time being alone together. We genuinely enjoy each other's company. One of our greatest joys in life is to go somewhere together just the two of us where we're constantly in each other's company and loving every minute of it.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T means a lot to me and he.

Seriously though it is simply never ok, in public or private, to be condescending, critical or otherwise rude to one another. Stinging words that make fun of, demean, or belittle one's spouse are harmful to a close personal relationship.

We remind ourselves often of how important we are to each other. We have learned that the best way for our own needs to be met is to meet the other's needs.

Selfish approaches to marriage where it's every man for himself never bring about true joy.

It takes two people to make a great marriage.

Both must be "givers" to each other. There are no big "I's" and little "You's." We are both rqually responsible for making our marriage work. Each bringing 100% into the relationship at all times.

We enjoy letting other people know how much we love each other.

We believe that everyone has the power of life an death in their own tongue therefore we are careful not to speak hurtful words about one another. "Husband and Wife bashing" are prohibited. It's important to us that others hear us saying nice things about each other and doing nice things for each other. An endearing glance, a flirtatious remark, we don't mind exchanging them in public.

We resist the temptation to share with anyone else anything negative about each other. If we have disagreements, we work them out privately between ourselves. (Obviously, there are times when problems in a marriage require that we get wise counsel from a Christian who has more experience than we may have. But even then, we should try to discuss our spouse in the most positive way possible.)

We are very careful about how we relate to others of the opposite sex.

We believe that flirting and "over-the-line" teasing with others is destructive. We want everyone to know, whether we are in each other's physical presence or not, that our spouse is "our one and only!"

We enjoy sharing the details of life with each other.

We want to know "how the day went" for each other. We share the details of what's going on at work or what's going on in the lives of our kids.

We don't keep secrets from each other

In Christ Jesus, the two of us have become one person. Secrets divide. Secrets shared with someone other than our spouse puts that person over our spouse as a priority in our lives.

We believe this should apply to "secrets from the past" as well. We don't think it is healthy to carry the burden of keeping things hidden. We have shared it all. We have forgiven each other where there might have been a need to forgive. And to the extent that our past reveals our weaknesses, we gladly accept the lesson in humility and the opportunity for our spouse to hold us accountable.

Date Night is the right night

Date nights are important. Nothing should get in there way. Usually, all we do is have a simple meal out together and talk. It's a time for us to concentrate on each other and talk about the things going on in our lives. We totally concentrate on each other. God really blesses this time.

But be warned! It will be attacked! You will find it difficult to stay true to it. You have to make it a serious priority. Then, when other requests (or "demands!") are made for that time, you can say, "I'm sorry. I've already got a commitment!" And ultimately it doesn't matter whether others understand or not. Your marriage must take precedence!

We try hard to keep a "teachable spirit"

We believe that God can use each of us to help the other deal with "blind spots." We all have areas in our lives in which we need to grow or bad habits we need to overcome. Sometimes these things are easy for our spouse to see, but difficult for us to see in ourselves. If we keep a teachable spirit, God can use our spouse to help us grow to be a better person, a better spouse, and more Christ like.

Easier said than done because human nature tends to be defensive and stubborn we tend to react unseemly when our spouse tries to help us see a weak area. Pointing out one of their weaknesses while excusing our own we try to ease our ego. But as long as we both are determined to keep a genuine teachable spirit, the marriage continues to soar to new heights!

Sometimes we have to "agree to disagree"

Then there are the times we can't agree. No matter how much we try we can't come to a mutually satisfying conclusion. Each of us wants to win the battle and be right. For me, in the past, conclusion was everything. But we've learned over the years every difference of opinion doesn't have to be settled. We no longer expect to agree on everything.

Remembering that our relationship, not the issue, is the most important thing we often ask ourselves if our motives for the disagreement are selfish. If they are we pray about our differences and let them go. After all it was our differences that attracted us to one another in the first place. Just because we have differing opinions doesn't mean we aren't compatible or that we are drifting apart. We are willing to not get defensive nor to insist on winning at all costs. Agreeing to disagree helps us to appreciate one another's uniqueness.

We believe it is important to have joint (not separate!) money accounts

What happened to two becoming one? Separate accounts is an issue involving openness, trust, and oneness. To us, separate accounts imply that we prefer not to be totally open with each other. Or that we don't believe we can reach agreement on financial issues. God didn't intended marriage to be separate. Money issues provide a wonderful test of our ability as a couple to come to agreement about some of the most sensitive issues in our marriage. If we can't do this, we need to do some serious ground-work in basic issues of trust and communication!

We try to be sensitive to the "hurt" vs. "anger" situations

It is not unusual for one of us to think the other is "angry" about something, when he/she actually is feeling "hurt." These are times when we try to be sensitive at several points. First, we believe we have a spiritual enemy, the devil, who would like to mess up and confuse our communications. If he can make us misunderstand each other, he can do damage to our relationship. Secondly, we try to remind ourselves that we can't tell the other how he/she feels! If we accuse each other of being angry (when we are feeling hurt) because we think the other is acting angrily, we make the problem worse.

In those situations if one of us can find the grace to apologize for getting angry, or for trying to tell the other how he/she feels (or should feel), or for not listening to the other carefully, we can usually take a lot of steam out of the situation pretty quickly.

Reprinted from: Communication Skills Articles.

As an Award-winning author, Bible teacher, and licensed minister, Cheryl's books, cd's, and devotionals are not meant to only entertain, but to also minister to and encourage others. Founder and President of Worth More Than Rubies Ministries in Houston, Texas, Cheryl is the author of the award winning Women What the Hell are you Thinking: An Inspirational Guide to becoming a Virtuous Woman of God

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