Stop Arguing - 3 Reasons You Are to Blame for Your Arguments

By: Chad Mathews

So you are desperately seeking a way to stop arguing with your spouse all the time. There are a few things you need to consider that you might not have thought of.

First you need to realize that fights do not just happen for no reason, especially if you and your partner seem to be in a steady pattern of fighting. There are several ingredients that have to be present in order to create and fight.
Think of it like a storm. In order for a hurricane to form you have to have an area of cold air that meets with an area of warm humid air. These things do not just materialize out of nowhere. And neither do your arguments.

Ever had an fight about something that you think is unimportant? You forget to buy milk at the grocery store and all of the sudden "you don't love me"? What is that about? Chances are it's not about that. We fall into these patterns because we fail to talk about the hidden issues. Little things (or big things) add up over time leaving us feeling unappreciated, used, unloved and so forth.

These things go unspoken because they are tied to deeper more painful issues and when a smaller trigger, like the forgetting to call, comes up it is easier to use this as a reason for our frustration. So what do we do?

First we need to realize three things in order to stop arguing:

- I can only deal with my own emotions. Trying to change the way someone else feels is not only useless it is often damaging.

- If I get upset it's because I choose to be. Nothing can alter your state of mind unless you choose to let it happen. If you get mad you choose to feel that way.

- I am responsible for my communication. When we choose to scream and yell we are choosing to damage our relationships. If you can't seem to make a point without getting heated or mad then maybe you should look into anger management.

On the same note if you have a person that cannot seem to have a disagreement without screaming and yelling you have only two choices. You can participate in the yelling or you can choose not to. When you choose not to it is best to say:

"I cannot have this discussion with you if you choose to yell and scream. When you calm down enough to speak to me in a reasonable tone we can continue."

This way you are being respectful and not avoiding the issue. Ultimately, we must understand that to stop arguing we have to control what WE can control. Which is our own behavior.

Reprinted from: Communication Skills Articles.

Find out more about how to Stop Arguing with your spouse or partner and build the healthy relationships you deserve at: www.arguing101.com

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